The Ravages of Childhood abuse

No matter how hard I tried to improve my miserable situation in life things  never worked out, never materialized. My childhood past always beckoned, and would eventually dictate my destiny, psychic pain for the remainder of my life. I had educated myelf as far as I could with two college degrees, and other certificates of achievement but that never mattered as I was destined for the gutter, because of what they did to me during my childhood. The following is an excerpt from a second book I've been working on that should demonstrate the ravages of childhood abuse, of what I'm talking about.  The following should give you an idea, an understanding, of why my life turned out the way it did.  These are revelations, true feelings, that have dictated my direction in life, and my eventual failure.

Failure

I'd been an electrician apprentice for just one week when I'd found myself in the kind of situation that even the worst of nightmares could never bring. Within a spacious building still under construction I stood in fear of what was to come. Far above the ground, and high up upon the bright orange beams that held the enormous factory together, I wavered and tossed in fear of falling; no, fear of failure. There I was, on a new construction site as a first week electrician apprentice with all hopes of being successful like everyone else in the strange frightening world in which I existed. There was one thing for certain; come hell or high water I was going to make it as a big time journeyman electrician. However, as the days passed, with my fears and nightmares heightening, I felt that I was going to pass on that business, being a lowly electrician and all. No sir, I was better than that, and decided on being something else, something much more important. I was going to be an electrical engineer! What do you think of that...Pop?

As the days passed I would see the well dressed engineers walk on the job site and thumb their noses at the lowly constrction workers, including me, as they passed on by in their fancy clothes along with their rolled up blueprints clutched ever so neatly in their well manucured hands. They had the real education, and I was going to join their ranks in spite the very fact that I had no idea of what the journeymen I worked with, my on the job teachers, were talking about. Of course I rationaized all that by feeling I was far superior, and they were nothing but a lower form of life that spoke a ancient form of language, far below my intelluct to comprehend. To me they were like a bunch of monkeys jabbering from a cage. Who in the hell can understand that kind of nonsense? I couldn't. Hell, I was too smart for them, those low life primates.     

Finally, it happened! There I was; I finally made it big time. I was an electrical engineer, PhD, climbing my stairway of success. So there I climbed the stairway to my office high above to the top floor (to keep me neat and trim of course). Yes there I strutted to where no one was ever going to look down on this guy again! I had no idea where I received my education nor did I care. All that mattered was that I mattered, and mattered I would to all around. However, things started to change a bit as there came the evening when everything seemed a bit different, kind of amplified somehow to let me know that I was truly on my way upward, and my childhood past was just that...in the past!

It was a beautiful summer evening when I was climbing the stairway to my spacious office high above, for a little rendezvous with my new secretary it was! I never took the elevator because I wanted to stay in shape for all to admire and envy, just to let people know that they were, in fact, looking at the real deal! While climbing urpward one clear evening I looked out through the thick tinted plate glass window on my left, and was stunned by the sight far beyond. From the landing I could see the full moon, but it was more than that because when I looked closer yet I could actually see the craters that pocked its surface! How much better could it get? Hell, this guy didn't need a telescope for it was I who was focused!   

Then I looked around, above, and about the stairway landing. There in all magnificance were bright orange I-beams with their brilliantly painted steel supports that held the building together. The whole scenario simply dazzled my spirit, and nourished my soul. Along with all that were pieces of machinery above and below pumping water, and other life giving fluids throughout the building's lifelines that kept the large complex, my complex, in operation. The whole operation was under my control, as it was I who was running the show, for it was I who designed it all; hell I owned it, I owned the world!

There I climbed effortlessly upward, all the way to the top, dressed perfectly for the occasion, any occasion,with my incredibly expensive clothes on. There I climbed snuggled gently in my soft $10,000 hand-made European shoes, $200 hand-woven silk tie, and everything else that showed of a self-made man of high intellectual means! There I climbed, an elite engineer, and astronomer all in one! Man, I didn't even need a telescope to see the moon's craters a quarter of a million miles away! What the hell, I just couldn't fail; I was on my way to fame and fortune, and absolute perfection! I was to be envied by all. Climbing upward I couldn't help but marvel at my wondrous creation; orange beams, the pounding of blue machinery, and every kind of electro-mechanical device that snapped, and churned their mechanisms to keep everything in operation, and all created by me and me alone. I knew right then and there that I had it all, everything, and no one could do better than that! I was God! Man, the Nobel Prize was next on my agenda! That electrician construction business was for the blue collar soaks, and not for this guy anymore. Now I was a successful educated man of sophisticated means who was on his way to...the moon!

Then one day something happened, and I just knew it would. It happened one morning when, as usual, I was climbing my stairway of fame and fortune. I just happened to glance down at my shoes and pants, then my shirt and tie, and...no! I knew it would happen. I just knew that things would turn out this way, again! I could tell that something terrible was taking place. There I was reverting back to the lowly suffering schmuck that I'd been before, before I became a man of distinction. There I stood on the same stairway of success that now had someway turned into my stairway of failure. Now those repulsive soiled clothes, the filthy ones I loathed, began to cover my body once again, as I travelled in the opposite direction...downward toward failure where I would redress on each downward step to my lowly destination below!

Yes, the impending doom of failure, disappointment, depression, and shame crept back into my soul as I could see men toiling, and straining at the heavy electrical equipment in the damp and dingy dungeon below, where I belonged. Yes, there in the damp, dirty, and oily dungeon of the metropolis above were failed souls of society that tussled and heaved. There below in the oily scum, and mired filth of life, excreted from the sparkling machinery above, strained and heaved worthless men of lost pursuits. There they slipped and slid in the scum of excretion to put everything right and proper for the educated, successful class far above, those who had a decent childhood. I was destined from the very beginning to join their ranks, and that's exactley where I was headed, where I would spend my final days! Down I rumbled and roared as I watched my clothing slowly change to a more appropiate attire, something a bit more suited for a soak like me...a filthy arrangement of soiled rags!